My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Tuesday
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Bro what is this
