Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.