My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
#TopTip
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
😭😭
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
channeling her this year
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
i wonder why they stopped looking
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
incredible text to wake up to
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.