My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”