My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you