My wife gives the best headache.
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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I can also cook 😂
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”