My wife gives the best headache.
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DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.