My wife gives the best headache.
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i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis