My wife gives the best headache.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm