My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.