My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
☠️
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*