Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.