My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
sigh
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?