My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
become ungovernable
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
This kid will have a bright future.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Pickled cat.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.