My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Proctology is located in A55
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
This is a genius move
dogs can find happiness so easily
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly