My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way