My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.