My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
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Happy Halloween 🎃
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Well, that should do it
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.