My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
😜
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Do one person every day that scares you.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC