My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Kermit goes Blue.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.