My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
🍞🦆
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated