Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”