My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
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the greatest twitter interaction
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Salad is the decaf of food.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
presenting your incognito window wrapped