My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.