Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

That stupid look on my face, is my face

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.