Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.

~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist

“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor

Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

constantly working on myself.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on