My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
blocked.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh