My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.