My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Today I’m going to give it my almost
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.