My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
this is the greatest thing ever
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”