My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”