Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks … to the alligators…
All I wanted was to complete the circle of life.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Do women know that it’s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough