My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
23. the denim jacket
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’m ready for Halloween this year
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss