My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.