My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
me irl
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*