my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
bears
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
spot the difference
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.