[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
You Might Also Like
Are people in Canada allowed to go oat and aboat yet?
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing