my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”