@MarfSalvador

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

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@david8hughes

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

@GloriaFallon123

To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that “I don’t care about being healthy and smelling clean”

@Love_bug1016

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

@ThePocketJustin

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

@trevso_electric

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@13spencer

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

@ThatManBobScott

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing