My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Monday
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.