My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Sniffing the broccoli
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.