My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
twitter is a journey
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’