My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”