Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is nasa ok

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute