Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

next level snooze

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar