My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
You Might Also Like
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.