Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

had to make it

[friend is showing me around his city]

HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital

ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while