My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The Joker was right
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….