My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.