My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot