My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
