Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.