Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.