My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
this is the kind of friend i am
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.