My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
buys donuts instead
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
We all have our pet causes.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.