Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

this is me

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

going to bed

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.