My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
so i’m at the stock market right
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie