My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
You Might Also Like
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
bartender: pick your poison
wicked witch of the west: water
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Europe. Made in Germany.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.