My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
thats my bad
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person