Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

😆

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?