My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!![]()
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.