My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.