Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

That earthquake could have been an email.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?