@heat_packingDr

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

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@Kyle_Raney

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@DionneMcNutt

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

@seancehat

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@iamspacegirl

Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.

@KenJennings

People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”