My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Every damn time
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Two types of dogs.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why