Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1426055740989612032/pu/vid/720x824/F7V-DLGfZylAoVU0.mp4?tag=12

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

😂

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.