My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
You Might Also Like
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
This line from Airplane.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon