My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
is nasa ok
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
kitchen magnet
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party