Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

…..pretty much.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

*jingles half the way*

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi