Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

My fantasy football season is going great

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

wtf management?!

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.