My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are