Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.