My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
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REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
🙋♀️
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.